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When my time comes, forget the wrongs that I've done [Jan. 15th, 2009|10:50 pm]
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So I guess I owe this journal, and probably most of its readers (I kid, I kid, ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND READERS) a real entry. So I guess this will be it.

I updated that I had a girlfriend. Yes. I did. And then I didn't. And then I did. And now I don't. I'm lonely, but you know it's the kind of lonely that can't be filled with anything tangible. It's more of the kind that needs me to come to terms with things and release my past to the universe.
I don't know, I guess first of all I do want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you for bringing you down to my level or lower with my depressed rants and my OMFG stupidity, ya know? I'm sorry. I hope you can all forgive me.
My mental health has been deteriorating rather quickly this winter. I've gone through stages where I'm practically comatose, and ones where I want nothing more than death.

Right now I just need my me time. My IRL friends (the ones I see constantly here in MN) don't quite get that. My GIRLFRIEND didn't get that. I'm sorry, but I would have thought if I could have trusted ANYONE, it would've been her.
She didn't understand that I just CAN'T do an overnight at JUST ANYWHERE anymore. She didn't understand that that's how the rapes happened (most of them, anyway), that that's how I was abused. Or how I was saved.

I really want a Bella to my Edward. I want someone I can smother (for lack of a better word) with the excess love I have to give. I really am a very loving person, I'm a very intense person, and a passionate one, but my previous relationships were all so.... painful, it's hard for me to get close enough to wonder how it might be were I to get close enough to kill... so to speak.

I can't latch myself onto someone strong again. I've been the trusting Bella far too many times, and it's never worked, other than to turn me into an UGLY version of Edward, a fat, slovenly slug that really shouldn't date to begin with. But I still try.

I wish I could find someone who can just understand that, that I need someone I can just care for and be loving to-- but still be able to keep my distance. I need that person who's like a drug to me, which can and will make me both cling to them and keep my distance.

I've become quite the Twilight freak, forgive me. It's an interesting series but I slap myself pretty hard if I start fangirling, so I do try to keep it in check.

I am still working seven days a week, so that is keeping me busy most of the time, but it doesn't help ALWAYS.

I'm PRAYING that I will be able to move out here in the next six months. I need an escape.

I've dove headfirst back down the bottomless pit of ED-NOS, but that's not gonna be a problem until I've lost about 120 pounds, so don't worry.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: [info]tracichan
2009-01-16 10:20 am (UTC)

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Keep your head up, you'll figure it out. :)
[User Picture]From: [info]mugetsu
2009-01-16 10:28 pm (UTC)

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Keep in mind that no R/S is a quick fix! Nor is there a quick fix solution!

It sucks that your G/F couldn't understand what you've went through, but also keep in mind (this coming from my two cents as I've known other people who've been assaulted and drag it into R/S) that it.. it wasn't yesterday. Sorry that it happened, but it won't stop you from finding a good partner; and 'bringing it up as a brick wall' will only make it true that you won't have a successful R/S =( It's a two-way street for a couple to tolerate the past.